One night after a particularly bad loss in one of my startups, I came home and my wife said, in what she meant to be reassuring but felt crushing at the time, “at least you’re a great dad.”
It sounded to me then like a bad Hallmark Father’s Day card:
“Sure you’re an over-the-hill failure. But at least you’re a great dad!”
But now I hold those six words sacred to my work and creative process.
Being a great dad is always #1 for me; then I’m going to be maximally successful within that constraint.
I’ve seen too many people who I’ve admired put something else first, and then it all falls apart.
When I anchor on being a great dad first, all my internal struggles fade away.
I’m not constantly sacrificing one for the other, or trying to have it all.
I’m going to my kid’s practice first, and then we can talk at 8PM or later. Or tomorrow morning.
And everyone knows. There are no little lies about why I’m busy. I’m with my kids. Work can wait.
None of this means I don’t get a lot of work done too, between startups, politics, and writing.
But to be maximally successful, I first had to resolve the internal struggle between father and founder.
Because that struggle spills energy, and you have none to spare as a father + anything.
When you’re really sleep deprived, your body can crash straight into the deep 4th stage of sleep, REM, even during a short nap.
I know this is true because I’ve done it many times. REM rebound is real.
The same is true for deep work.
When your mind really wants to create, you can crash straight into deep work even in 20 minute sprints.
Being a father + founder trains you to do both of these things.
If you give me 20 minutes off and I’m tired, I will take a nap even if it means doing it sitting straight up.
If you give me 20 minutes off and I’m inspired, I will write 100+ good words even if I have to scrawl it all in the margins of an old newspaper.
The fathers + founders I know all seem to be high-functioning ADHD machines.
Constant context-switching is going to happen whether we like it or not, so we might as well roll with it.
Rolling with it also means being at peace when we don’t get as much done in one day as we dreamed.
I’ve learned through multiple bouts with burnout that it’ll force you to stop if you don’t take breaks.
And at the worst possible time too.
So I’m always telling myself to pick a pace I can do forever.
For writing, that means 100+ good words per day.
For startups, that means 2+ deep work sessions per day.
For politics, that means 1+ hours of calls per day.
I can mix and match.
I can put different projects on front or back burners or pause them for months/years.
It still feels like work. But I love both the process and results of this work.
This all sounds great in theory, but what does it actually look like on a daily basis?
Here’s my best-case scenario schedule:
7:00-7:10AM: Wake up to dog needing to pee. Walk him.
7:10-7:30AM: Browse Twitter and reply to a couple posts.
7:30-8:00AM: Rush to get two kids ready for school.
8:00-8:10AM: Take both kids to the bus stop.
8:10-9:00AM: Clean up emails, read favorite online subscriptions.
9:00-11:30AM: Start Deep Work Session #1.
(If there’s only one thing I can do today, do it now.)
11:30AM-12:00PM: Eat as fast and healthily as possible.
12:00-2:00PM: Start Deep Work Session #2.
2:00-2:30PM: Walk dog. Pace the house/neighborhood. More Twitter.
2:30-4:00PM: Start Deep Work Session #3.
(Or nap if tired. This is frequently nap time.)
4:00-4:30PM: Pick up both kids from the bus stop.
4:30-5:30PM: Play Minecraft, Roblox, baseball, soccer, etc. with kids.
5:30-7:30PM: Usually filled with kids’ games, practices, playground/park time, etc.
7:30-9:30PM: Play hockey 3x per week! (Or more family time!)
9:30-9:45PM: Get kids to bed. Read one book chapter each. Lights out!
9:45-10:30PM: Kids sneak out of bed 3x. One more story. Maybe a bunk bed fort.
10:30PM-7:00AM: Tossing and turning in bed. 7-8 okay hours of sleep!
(I’m always so skeptical when I see one of these schedules that starts with something like yoga at 5:30AM, then meditation at 6:00AM, etc. Hope my honest, messy schedule amuses you!)
I worked plenty of 100+ hour weeks in my 20s.
The longest I ever worked in one session was 57 hours straight (from Tuesday 9AM to Thursday 6PM).
We had a big launch on that Wednesday where the whole team worked overnight Tuesday to make sure everything was perfect, then I did the media launch and handled all incoming communications through Thursday, when a second wave of announcements hit the news.
At the end of that stretch, I was literally delirious, and got feedback that a practice speech I made Thursday around 5PM was a weird mix of excited and exhausted.
That’s all to say that I’m more productive now at 36 than I was then at 24.
6 focused hours beats 24 unfocused hours every time.
I recently saw this called “Dad Mode”, which sounds perfect.
When I look back at my childhood and 20s, I’m shocked at how much time I wasted.
How many hundreds of hours I spent leveling up video game characters as a kid?
Or mornings spent hungover in bed after a long night of drinking in college?
Even in my startup-heavy 20s, so much wasted time chasing ideas, projects, and pivots that failed.
Now I value each minute spent on anything as precious.
That doesn’t mean that every minute needs to be spent on work.
The 4-6 hours per week I spend playing hockey and hanging out with my buddies is essential time.
But I’m now accounting for every minute in a day, and cutting anything that doesn’t bring me joy.
Here are other systems that help me maximize my success as a father + founder:
- Three Units Per Day
- (Based on Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino.)
- I like to imagine that I only have three units of energy per day, which maps to my three daily deep work sessions. Some days I can stretch to four, but that usually means I’ve borrowed against the future and will need a two-unit day + extra rest soon.
- Three Alarms – Eric Partaker
- (Found via Character Alarms by Sahil Bloom.)
- We are all so many different characters, not just Father and Founder, but also Son, Brother, Friend, Lover, Athlete, etc. It’s fun and important to fully embody each role when we’re in it!
- Also, I’ve been meaning to try Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod.
- If you’ve tried this system, I’d love your feedback!
But the most important system in my life these days is simply “shit happens”.
I go into every life situation assuming anything can and will go wrong, and then I’m pleasantly surprised most of the time! Happiness is low expectations! Now how’s that for some dad advice? 😜
PS: I’ve turned on comments for this post. Please share your experiences here, especially what’s made you maximally successful as a father + founder!